Frustration has become my illicit new lover. And let me tell you, he is not the best of lovers. We are in serious need of couples counseling. He seems to be everywhere I turn and that’s not only clingy but very unwanted as well.

Frustration came to me this morning when I missed the train into manhattan. Luckily the next train came pretty swiftly afterward. Except now this is the day that the train is NOT running express due to construction. I get to my voice lesson with not a minute to spare.

Frustration comes to me in my voice lesson as we are trying to break old bad habits that I have been doing since I have been training.

“you’re still a young singer,” my teacher says, “not a new singer by any means, but a young singer. These habits haven’t been set in for twenty years or anything. So that’s good. They’ll be easier to break.” I’m a person who wants the results yesterday, but nothing happens that fast, so just reel it in and shut it down. There’s so much time I have.

Frustration is my middle name at John’s office. Partially him, mainly his retarded clients and unruly contract dealers. Trying to figure out their agendas is like trying to argue with a mute. You only get so far.

We both thought one client Alex had sent us a rehearsal schedule for a reading, when really he was telling us his new work schedule but prefaced it with “The Public asked me about my availability!” John called him a dumb anus. Not a dumb-ass, a dumb anus. I literally laughed out loud. Llol? Maybe?

Frustration came at Bull’s Eye when they made me be a cart attendant with the most annoying of annoying people, Willard. I’m not sure if he is annoying because he just is or if he has some sort of impairment. I’m hoping it’s the latter because them it turns me from funny guy to a funny asshole.

OK SOME WORDS OF ADVICE TO ALL OF YOU SHOPPERS AT SUPERSTORES: If someone is pushing 15 carts down the walkway, it’s pretty damn near obvious that he has his hands full and cannot and WILL not help you with the bottle return.

If you see someone pushing 15 carts down the walkway, he is NOT the person to ask where the boy’s clothes are when they’re right fucking behind you.

If you see someone who is pushing 15 carts down a walkway and he is wearing a red shirt and a name tag, the following question is, I apologize, retarded: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Frustration fucked me hard when I had this next dude walk in my line. He had six boxes of milk bones and a 48 oz bottle of Up&Up pine sol. He kept making people get in front of him in line because he had to figure stuff out in his head. Finally he decides he wants to pay. He takes out a ripped piece of cardboard with math problem on it.

“I bought the real Pine Sol at a supermarket near my house yesterday for my mom. They were two 32 oz bottles for $1 each. So it actually came out to 2 and some change. Now I have the off brand here for $1.99 but it’s 48 oz and if I were to buy two of them would I be saving more money?”

“….uh”  I stare blankly.

“sorry I like to take my time I don’t like to be rushed. I’m a really patient person. You can take your time. I just don’t like anyone yelling at me to hurry up because that’s not fair to me and that’s not fair to you. I used to work in a place like this so I know how crazy it can get, but I went to therapy and I learned to settle down, I used to be hyperactive but now with therapy I’m a much calmer more patient person. So did I get a better deal with this brand?”

“uh yea, I think so.” I have no fucking clue, I am about to start crying.

During all of this he makes someone else get in front of him. “now my second question Mr. Sam is about these milk bone dog biscuits. I saw back there a 7 pound bag for $12. Right here I have six 24 oz boxes for $2.40, which is the better deal?”

Now I’m furious. “well you need to find out how many ounces are in a pound and that’s how you find your answer.”

“ok so how many ounces are in a pound?” he asks me.

“I really don’t know off the top of my head, I haven’t opened a math book in over four years.” I say to him, trying to keep my cool.

“well could you find someone who does know?” What I should have said was “Judging by the fact that I am one of the 5% who have actually graduated from college, I doubt it.” Before the first word could come out, the security guard whose name escapes me, so Pablo, saves the day “16.5 oz make a pound. You have about 10 pounds there.” which now Looking back I don’t think was right. But it hot Rain Man off my fucking case and I went on a break.

This man could have basically asked me If a rowboat is leaving Detroit at 9 am going x amount of miles and a trail left Chicago going y amount of miles at 6 am, what what time will they meet at Port Huron?  And what is the square root of Pi to the 8th decimal point?

I would like to mention that I wrote this whole post via iPhone on my subway ride home. Look at the good I do.

Last night I went out for the first time in a while.  And I was ready to kick some ass.

I get off of Bull’s Eye at 8 and call up my friend Tyler.

“Yea, come on up to 109, we’re pregaming.” He says.  This is wonderful, I’m hanging out with a friend, and I get to meet his new friends.  I get off the subway and realize that I am a block away from John’s office.  I look up at the sky and I pray:  Dear Santa, please let me not run into John tonight, and if I do, please let me know be wasted. Thanks for the iPhone.

I walk up to the apartment and meet Tyler’s friends Lindsay, Adele, and Lauren.  “Do you want a drink?” Tyler asks me,

“Absofuckinglutely” I answer back.  Bacardi.  Always a good choice.  Til the morning, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

“Yea we’re going to play the Jersey Shore drinking game!” Lindsay tells me.

“Oh, I’ve never ever seen an episode,” I say.  I have been told that Jersey Shore is the most addicting piece of trash to watch.  I know Snooki and The Situation and Pauly D and J-Woww.  Now, to my knowledge, I thought those were all of the people on the show.  I was completely mistaken.

Everyone tells me that Jersey Shore is a phenomenon.  And ladies and germs, I’m here to tell you that everyone is right.  I was sucked into this past week’s episode from the very moment I heard “Oh my Gawwwwwdddd!”  It was like watching animals in their natural habitat.  I could not believe that none of these people have jobs, all they do is sit around, tan, and get drunk day.  I’m sure, before the show aired, they all did have jobs probably working at Wal-Mart or Bull’s Eye, but who cares about what they USED to do, they’re popular and wasted now.

This episode had a nasty break-up between Sammy and Ronnie.  My favorite part though was when she was sobbing and crying and crying and crying and crying after he threw her room apart and she says “That’s all my stuff, that’s all personal stuff!! ::Belch::”  She fucking burped in the middle of her sobs and pleads to Ronnie.  I about shit my pants I was laughing so hard.

Now if anyone ever pregames and plays drinking games to tv shows or movies, you know that you basically are always drinking, so after an hour of the Shore, I was pretty sloshed.  We THEN decided to go to the bar. 

ok typing all of this is making me sick.

We get to the bar, which to this minute I still have no idea where we were, and order a couple beers.  The events of the bar are very much a blur to me.  All I remember is paying for Tyler’s drinks and then telling him that it was a mistake so he owes me next time we go out. 

These next two events are pretty much Oscar-worthy scenes.

I decide to take a cab home because at 1 AM getting from the Upper West Side to East Elmhurst Queens is pretty damn near impossible.  Expecially with the E not running on weekend nights.   I hail a cab down and through slurred words and his broken English, we come to an agreement that he will take me to 81st and Astoria Blvd.  I decide that I need to listen to some music, so I bust out my iFun, and play my Ultra 90s playlist.  without the headphones.  Like an obnoxious homie at the train station who just has to make sure EVERYONE knows he’s listening to Kanye’s album.

We get to my apartment and the meter says $16.10, so i get out a 20 and am all ready for “keep the change.”  I did not take into account that we passed over a toll, so that would be added on to me.  Now I know those are the rules.  It’s posted in the back seat of EVERY cab.  But this guy was a douche about it, apparently.  Maybe?  Probably wasn’t.

“No no no no it’s you pay 23.50.” He says to me over my singing of “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)”

“OH!” I say, grab a 10 and give it to him “I need 5 back”

he says “What?”

“I need 5 back”

“So you’re not leaving me a tip?”

“NOPE” I say as he hands me my money back “YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!”  Totally uncool.  That guy didn’t deserve that, but I’m sure it wasn’t the first time, and I’m sure won’t be the last that that’s ever happened to those folks.

Part 2 of drunken stuper:

There’s a gentleman in John’s Broadway roster that I am very attracted to.  I’ve met him twice and seen him at an audition that we both were at.  So we know each other, right?  Well my drunk ass decide to be Don Juan and send him an email asking him how his tour is doing.  Why?  who knows…

But there is one slight problem, I’m not sure what his email is at this hour and state of mind.  Oh, but ladies and gents, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  I’ll just sign on to John’s account and get the email THAT way.  I sign on to John’s account, copy the email, sign off, sign onto MY account, paste the email which reads:

Just wondering how your tour’s going

Sam @ John’s office

Smooth operator.  I’m sure after this I passed out.

Woke up at 8:15 for a 7 hour shift at Bull’s Eye.  I thought I was fine, although I walk into the store and my boss says “Samuel… what is wrong with you?”  cool. I feel like shit, look like death, and now I have to be here for 7 hours.

One last little rant before I head out to get some eats:  People who don’t speak English as their first language really make me angry.  Especially when they are complaining at my register, or don’t know where to find something, or I have to explain something to them 4 different ways to see if they understand me.

but something that I kind of snicker at is their misplacement of verbs in sentences.  Now I’m no grammar freak myself, but in my shift the following things were said to me

“When I go to customer service, what they will do?”

“Where I can find banana?”

Me: Debit or credit?
Lady:  Visa.  (it was a MasterCard.)

I literally told a woman “Lady, you need to wait a second.”  I don’t think I’ve ever called a woman “Lady” and really meant it

No, I’m not racist, I hate everyone. So shut up about that.  Actually, the whities are the worst customers anyway.  They think they’re so superior.  S my D.

So John has set up an American Songbook style concert to perform in some Nursing home in New Jersey.

Sound hokey?  Too bad it’s paying boo-koo bucks.

The two people that he set up the concert for are on board for it.  Except for the dumb girl Amanda.  This woman wants to get gigs, he sets one up for her, and she’s worried that she can’t learn any music.  The concert is April 3.  It’s February 11… ya got plenty of time.

John calls her up and says “What are you afraid of?  You’re a fucking artist, learn the music.”

“I can’t find any good songs,” She excuses. 

John says “That’s why you’re an artist, find them.”

He gets off the phone, goes on Google and looks up something dumb like “great old songs for women” of course millions of pages show up.

He calls her up again.  “Who’s Sorry Now - Connie Francis, These boots are made for walkin - Nancy Sinatra, Over the Rainbow - Judy Garland, You’re So vain - Carly Simon…” As soon as he says this, Emily (the other assistant) and I bust out “I HAD SOME DREAMS THEY WERE CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE, CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE AND… YOU’RE SO VAIN YOU PROLLY THINK THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU!!!!” and John starts singing along with us.  Of course John stopped after he didn’t know the words, but Emily and I went on to sing the entire song, because let’s face it, there needed to be some life in that office.

“Sam is 22 and knows these songs, Emily is 25 and knows these songs, you’re 31 and don’t know these songs, what is wrong with this picture?” He hangs up the phone.  I would rock out “You’re So Vain” if I had the chance.  I did drunk at the Duplex bar one night, I brought the motherfuckin’ house down.  Send me on that shit.  Old people love me.  Especially old men.  Maybe I’ll get in someone’s will.

While “You’re So Vain” is a great song, it’s not really American Songbook… hmmm…

Even though it’s mid-February, who said it’s not too late to have a New Year’s Resolution?  I have a new one.  I, Sam Ramirez, of sound, mind, and hairy body WILL learn all of the words to “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies.  If I can sing “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” from Pirates of Penzance and “The Museum Song” from Barnum, and “Not Getting Married Today” from Company (in the privacy of my own home, but not-so-secretly want to sing it in front of people), “One Week” should be a piece of cake.

We got new name tags at Bull’s Eye today.  I don’t know what’s up with people in Queens.  I can’t count how many times I have told my supervisors, execs, and co-worker’s that my name is Sam.  Yes, legally, my name is Samuel, but no one ever calls me it.  So of course, for billing reasons, and tax reasons, I signed all of my documents Samuel, because that’s my actual name.  But no one can get that through their thick, afro-sheened/corn-rowed/weaved head here.

Examples:

1st week.  Pamela: tell me your name again
Me: Sam
Pamela: I’m not finding you on here
Me: Well my name’s Samuel
Pamela: Oh, that’s weird…

Pamela has now started calling me Sammy to which another supervisor Daisy asks,
Daisy: What is your REAL name?
Me: Samuel
Daisy: Do you like to be called Sammy?
Me: Not really
Daisy: Why not?
Me: Cuz I’m not 7
Daisy: What DO you like to be called
Me: Sam
Daisy: Okay, Samuel.

Calling off or late is a task too.
Jeremy: Thank you for calling Bull’s Eye, Can I Help you Find Something?
Me: Yea this is Sam Ramirez, I’m going to be 20 minutes late
Jeremy: Who is this?
Me: Sam Ramirez
Jeremy: Who?
Me: I’m a cashier
Jeremy: I’m not finding a Sam Ramirez….
Me: Samuel?
Jeremy: Oh, there you are.

Apparently no one in New York knows what a fucking nickname is.  I had to ASK that my name tag in the beginning say “Sam.”

Toni: Why?
Me: Because that’s my name, no one’s called me Samuel since Kindergarten.

So we get new name tags today.  All nice and round and engraved: SAMUEL.  I wanted to throw it against the wall and say “LEARN MY FUCKING NAME!!! I KNOW ALL OF YOUR CRAPPY NAMES!”

I literally am the only person with a short name, everyone has their entire name: Barbara, Pamela, Jonathan, Joseph, Marcus, Daniel, David, Shagufta, Corazon, Kenia, Kandra, Chandra, Sandra.

But no, Sam is the odd one out in this battle

If any of you have been watching my facebook statuses as much as I have been updating them, you will know that I am on a huge 90s kick ever since I watched Empire Records last week.

I went on Pandora and looked up the Gin Blossoms and have been listening to the Gin Blossoms station ever since.  I have probably spent $50 dollars on iTunes the past 48 hours, but it’s all for a good cause.

So get your cardigan sweaters, flannels, doc martens, and your hackey sacks ready, here is my ultimate 90s alternative(ish) playlist.  In alphabetical order by Artist, so I don’t forget anything.

1. Cryin’ - Aerosmith
2. Crazy - Aerosmith
3. Hand in My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
4. Ironic - Alanis Morissette
5. Unsent - Alanis Morissette
6. One Week - Barenaked Ladies
7. It’s all been done - Barenaked Ladies
8. If I had $1,000,000- Barenaked Ladies
9. Brick - Ben Folds
10. The Luckiest - Ben Folds
11. Good - Better than Ezra
12. I Love Myself Today - Bif Naked*
13. Pretty Little Thing - Black Crows*
14. No Rain - Blind Melon
15. Run Around - Blues Traveler
16. Hook - Blues Traveler
17. Glycerine - Bush
18. Never There - Cake
19. Lovefool - The Cardigans
20. Leaving On A Jet Plane - Chantal Kreviazuk
21. Mr. Jones - Counting Crows
22. A Long December - Counting Crows
23. Dreams - The Cranberries
24. Linger - The Cranberries
25. Ode To my Family -The Cranberries
26. Zombie - The Cranberries
27. Breakfast at Tiffany’s - Deep Blue Something
28. Roll To Me - Del Amitri
29. Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla
30. The General - Dispatch*
31. Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik
32. I’m The Only One - Melissa Etheridge
33. Come To My Window - Melissa Etheridge
34. Inside Out - Eve 6
35. What It’s Like - Everlast
36. Missing - Everything But The Girl
37. Criminal - Fiona Apple
38. Superman (It’s Not Easy) - Five For Fighting*
39. Learn To Fly - Foo Fighters*
40. Killing Me Softly With His Song - The Fugees
41. Stupid Girl - Garbage
42. Til I Hear It From You - Gin Blossoms
43. Found Out About You - Gin Blossoms
44. Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms
45. Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms
46. When I Come Around - Green Day
47. Basket Case - Green Day
48. Time of Your Life - Green Day (shut up)
49. I Will Come To You - Hanson (stay shut up)
50. Celebrity Skin - Hole
51. Only Wanna Be With You - Hootie & The Blowfish
52. Drive - Incubus*
53. Insensitive - Jann Arden
54. Foolish Games - Jewel
55. You Were Meant for Me - Jewel
56. Who Will Save Your Soul - Jewel
57. Hands - Jewel
58. One of Us - Joan Osbourne
59. Wild Night - John Mellencamp
60. There She Goes -  The La’s*
61. Lightning Crashes - Live
62. The Impression That I Get - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
63. To be With You - Mr. Big
64. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
65. Spiderwebs - No Doubt
66. Just a Girl - No Doubt
67. Wonderwall - Oasis
68. Champagne Supernova - Oasis
69. Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) - The Offspring
70. How Bizarre - OMC - because let’s face it, this is the GREATEST song from that Decade
71. Your Love - The Outfield**
72. Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? - Paula Cole
73. Peaches - The Presidents of the United States
74. I’ll Be Missing You - Puff Daddy, Ma$e, Faith Hill featuring 112
75. Losing My Religion - R.E.M.
76. Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.
77. Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers
78. Do You Know What it Takes - Robyn
79. Adia - Sarah McLachlan
80. Building a Mystery - Sarah McLachlan
81. Possession - Sarah McLachlan
82. To the Moon and Back - Savage Garden
83. Closing Time - Semisonic
84. All For You - Sister Hazel
85. Change Your Mind - Sister Hazel
86. 1979 - Smashing Pumpkins
87. Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong - Spin Doctors
88. Two Princes - Spin Doctors
89. Wrong Way -  Sublime
90. Santeria - Sublime
91. Semi-Charmed Life -  Third Eye Blind
92. How’s it Going to Be - Third Eye Blind
93. Jumper - Third Eye Blind
94. Never Let you Go - Third Eye Blind
95. All I Want - Toad the Wet Sprocket
96. If You Could Only See - Tonic
97. You’re a God - Vertical Horizon
98. Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
99. The Freshman - The Verve Pipe
100. One Headlight - The Wallflowers
101. Pink Triangle - Weezer
102. Buddy Holly - Weezer
103. Island In the Sun - Weezer*
104. What’s Up? - 4 Non Blondes

*-I’m not sure if these songs came out in the 90s….
**-This song may have come out in the late 80s, although it’s very possible it’s from the 70s…

I would like to thank my friends, mainly Sean Wilson and Emma Sally for letting me go almost broke making this playlist

Hello Suckers:

Are you ready for season 2?  I’m back from my Holiday hiatus.  People kept asking me “Why don’t you update your blog anymore?”  And the true reason is that I would be so tired when I would get off work that all I wanted to do was come home and go to bed.  Yet I would still sit on facebook for 3 hours, so I’m back by popular demand.

Things have been absolutely crazy at John’s office.  It’s audition season, for opera, for broadway, and apparently for unmanaged singers.  Three of them were in the office today.  One frumpy soprano name Gilly, one poof-tastic ratted-out-almost-as-fabulous-as-Natasha-Neely soprano named Stacey, and a gay black baritone named Gregory.  Now I have met Gregory before, and I thought that he was dropping some signals my way, but I’m so oblivious to that kind of stuff anyway that I never thought much of it. 

This bitch walks in with his own accompanist, which is like, ya know, whatever, but I’m getting ready to leave and John’s like “make sure they dont’ touch any of my shit.”  Uhh…. I gotta go.  There are 1000s of places I would rather be than here with conceited opera singers, I would rather be forced to sit through Mamma Mia starring Miley Cyrus and Delta Burke than be here right now.  Gregory walks in the office and I am getting ready to leave when he asks me how I’m doing.

“Oh I’m fine, it’s been crazy in here as usu—-“

“Can I get some water?” Gregory interjects.

……… pardon me?  I am not YOUR assistant.  I don’t even do that for John.  I’ve gotten coffee for him before, yes, but I don’t wait on ANYONE.  Fuck that.

“The tap’s in the kitchen.” I should have said, but instead, through clinched teeth I was like “yea, sure, I’ll get right on that.”  I get him some water and grab my coat and leave.

“Oh, are you leaving?” Gregory stops me.

“Yea, I have to.. uh.. I should… I just gotta go”

“Oh,” he kind of groans, “Well I hope to see you soon.”

“Yea.” I say shortly.  Barf.  I don’t care that you’ve performed in almost every PORGY AND BESS production around the world in the past 10 years, I DO care that you started playing the ingenue tenor, to the character baritone, to old-ass crippled Porgy.  I do care about that.  That’s just insulting, I am but a CHILD compared to you.

I’m moving into my new apartment on Sunday.  I’ll finally be out of this shithole that I live in now.  Holler.

I understand everyone’s frustration with major delayed airlines… But settle down everybody, there’s nothing that can be done

I see probably 1000 different people every day.  Half of them at work.

I just think its really interesting how many people in this city walk in and out of your life and you never see them again.

Kinda depressing really.  What if one of them is supposed to be my husband?

Also, I have groupies at Bull’s Eye now.  Awkward gays hitting on me, even more awkward old women.  Someone literally asked me “I haven’t seen you in a while, have you been here?”

…seriously?

I’m not coming home for Christmas, that’s also depressing.

Matt Murphy Productions told John today that I was their 2nd choice for the Berenstein Bears tour.  2nd choice.  2nd place.  ALMOST THERE.

so i’m pigging out

I see probably 1000 different people every day.  Half of them at work.

I just think its really interesting how many people in this city walk in and out of your life and you never see them again.

Kinda depressing really.  What if one of them is supposed to be my husband?

Also, I have groupies at Bull’s Eye now.  Awkward gays hitting on me, even more awkward old women.  Someone literally asked me “I haven’t seen you in a while, have you been here?”

…seriously?

I’m not coming home for Christmas, that’s also depressing.

Matt Murphy Productions told John today that I was their 2nd choice for the Berenstein Bears tour.  2nd choice.  2nd place.  ALMOST THERE.

so i’m pigging out

I promise